I just wanted to make a quick post that I realized since I am not able to write here like I would like, I have a YouTube channel I started in early 2015 just for pregnancy and my life. I have started to make posts about getting Noah diagnosed and even including him in daily vlogs so I wanted to leave my link below for those who wanted to continue to stay up to date with us on our day to day life!!!
Awareness AND acceptance begins with you.
www.youtube.com/tubalreversalmom
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
I Still Cry
It's been over 2 years since I wrote my first blog post about the difficult journey it is having a child who has a mental illness AND Autism, and it's been over 4 years since we started this journey with him. I get a lot of feedback on how "strong" I am, how it is so glad it has gotten easier with Noah, and how he is so lucky to have me as a parent. I know all these statements are made with good intentions but every one of them strikes a nerve. As confusing and cliche as it may be, I am the lucky one to have Noah. He is still teaching me about life, love, patience, and compassion every day in some new way. He has forever changed my life and everyone around him. I have yet to meet a teacher, aide, doctor, therapist, family member, or friend who does not end up falling just head over heels in love with him. To know Noah is to love him.
Now let's talk about the not great moments. The moments where I tell my older kids to stay away from him today or to go in their room until I tell them to come out. The moments where I had to almost sit on him to restrain him because he is now 90 lbs and extremely strong. The moments that we cannot go out for a restaurant or go to that store all the kids wanted to go to. The moments where we get unsolicited advice, looks, and judgement from outsiders who just do not know that my son is special needs or just simply do not care. The moments where I just sit and cry because I wanted a different life for him; I saw a different life for him. Sometimes I cry out of sadness and frustration, and I truly do not know why I am crying. I cry because the boy who is melting down or trying to hurt me and his siblings is not the boy who was here 2 seconds before. I cry because when he was a baby I never knew this would be our life. I cry because I am scared. I am scared of many different things: life, his future, my future, my death, and everything in between. Sometimes in life we just do not know what to do so we get scared of the unknown. I fear the unknown with Noah and I cry because sometimes that is the only action I have left that is in my control.
So, I hate to disappoint but I am not strong. I get scared, I cry, and sometimes I wish things were easier. I do not think that makes me wrong or weak... it just makes me human.
Now let's talk about the not great moments. The moments where I tell my older kids to stay away from him today or to go in their room until I tell them to come out. The moments where I had to almost sit on him to restrain him because he is now 90 lbs and extremely strong. The moments that we cannot go out for a restaurant or go to that store all the kids wanted to go to. The moments where we get unsolicited advice, looks, and judgement from outsiders who just do not know that my son is special needs or just simply do not care. The moments where I just sit and cry because I wanted a different life for him; I saw a different life for him. Sometimes I cry out of sadness and frustration, and I truly do not know why I am crying. I cry because the boy who is melting down or trying to hurt me and his siblings is not the boy who was here 2 seconds before. I cry because when he was a baby I never knew this would be our life. I cry because I am scared. I am scared of many different things: life, his future, my future, my death, and everything in between. Sometimes in life we just do not know what to do so we get scared of the unknown. I fear the unknown with Noah and I cry because sometimes that is the only action I have left that is in my control.
So, I hate to disappoint but I am not strong. I get scared, I cry, and sometimes I wish things were easier. I do not think that makes me wrong or weak... it just makes me human.
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