"Worst" Part of Having a Mental Illness

For those without a mental illness, it always intrigues me what they feel would be the worst part of having one. Sometimes it's something silly or mundane, sometimes it's something valid or that I struggle with. I get the question all the time: what do you hate most about being Bipolar?

This answer varies from day to day. A few weeks ago it's that sometimes it's hard to maintain real life friendships. A lot of times it's easier to have online friends or just casual friends in real life. I can't always be that great friend with a great presence and sometimes, I just don't want to talk to you. Other times I may get carried away in a thought or feeling that I don't even feel is carrying me. It's easier to just carry a basic conversation with someone online without being considered "rude". For those who say you can't develop a bond or friendship with someone online ... I kindly disagree.

Six months ago I would have said the worst part is being so apt to becoming obsessed or developing (or feeding) an eating disorder. I don't know if everyone out there with Bipolar is the same but sometimes my mind just gets so wrapped up in one idea it takes off with it. It seems to never last than 6-8 weeks but for my friends and family, those can be some very long weeks. Being so easily swayed to both sides of eating disorders (i.e. starvation to binging) is a hard struggle that is hidden for many that suffer with a mental illness.

TODAY... today the worst part of having a mental illness is the irregular sleep patterns, AKA insomnia. Sometimes the inability to sleep is categorized with only mania. But for some (like myself), at night it is just sometimes so hard to fall asleep. Maybe it's that Noah is now stabilized or that my husband's work schedule is really late but it's not abnormal for me to fall asleep around 3-4 am. I hate it and I even feel guilty the next day. I still wake up on time, get the kids ready for school and off to go (which is super early since Noah's bus now arrives at our house at 6:10 am!) but then I sleep until lunch. I then have just enough time to tidy up the house a bit and check all my groups, pages, vlogs, blogs, smogs (you get the picture). But then I have Noah coming home who then needs a snack, to try to work on his homework then the other kids get home and it's this whirlwind of nonstop. It's been really hard to even get on top of my housework and I know it's because of my sleep schedule. If I was up when the other kids left for school at 8 am and stayed up, that's like 4 hours of cleaning or productivity I am missing out on. So yeah, that sucks.

Insomnia is just a recent development this week so I am taking Tylenol PM and I am trying to limit my electronic use (was successful last night but not tonight) to get to bed before midnight. It's not always a success but regardless, I know I will get through this!

I love all of you out there and I know I haven't blogged in forever so for that, I am so sorry! But the good news is that I am going to try to start orchestrating a few vlogs WITH Noah and maybe my other kids. Since things are settling down again, I want to work my best to really start building LWAMI again.

<3 Awareness begins with you <3